Reflection Upon A Year (kind of long)

This week is exactly 1 year from that fateful 26 week appointment when my blood pressure was first elevated. Who would have ever guessed what we would go through in the following months. For the past few weeks as we have been approaching Campbell's first birthday and Robbie and I had the inevitable "so...when are we thinking of giving Campbell a little sister or brother" talk, I have been re-living a lot of the feelings that I went through a year ago.

A lot of these feelings I kept to myself or only shared with a few people but I now want to write about them to share with others. When Robbie and I were going through our hospital stay and following NICU experience, people would often remark on how "positive" we were in person and on the blog. While we never were dishonest about things, I look back and wonder if we didn't gloss over the experience to save our families, friends, and other blog readers some worry or fear. I don't know that we shared the full extent of our fears or the dangers that Campbell and I both faced. I hope this post doesn't come off as a "pity me" post. It's really for my own healing and I am hoping it will have a cathartic effect. One of Campbell's doctors described NICU parents as having post-traumatic stress disorder and I whole-heartedly agree.

I mourn....
I mourn a lot of things. I mourn that I never got the 3rd trimester "experience." I never got to complain about my back hurting or stretch marks or being humongous. I mourn that I didn't get to hold my newborn baby right after birth. I mourn that it took four days before I could hold her and when I did I was so scared that I Purell-ed my chest and shoulders. I mourn that the experience of holding her for the first time was so scary that I'll always remember the fear first and the joy second. I mourn that I had to be wheeled out of the hospital without holding my baby and went home to an empty nursery. I mourn that her birth was a dreaded event rather than a joyful one and that the tears we cried were out of fear and sorrow rather than joy or elation. I mourn that when we finally did bring her home I was unable to successfully breastfeed her due to my own insecurities about her weight gain, her weakness due to being a preemie, and the fact that she had become accustomed to bottles.

No parent...
No parent should have to worry about when or if their child will be able to breathe on her own or if the head ultrasound would show a brain bleed. No parent should have to wait to bring their baby home and when they finally do have to monitor for every single germ. No parent should have to worry that their baby is having seizures and constantly be on the lookout...so much so that every play session is spent watching her eyes to make sure they don't twitch. No parent should have to explain to their families that their child is especially vulnerable to germs so please don't touch at the holidays...and even after that explanation the parent is still uptight and nervous at said holidays. No parent should have to worry constantly about their child's development and be more relieved than excited when each milestone is reached.

However, I celebrate...
I celebrate that we do have some wonderful memories from the NICU such as that first time I walked up to her isolette and she didn't have any breathing tubes. I celebrate that although having the stress of a preemie can tear some couples apart, I have been blessed with an incredibly supportive and loving husband. I celebrate all of the support we have had from family, friends, and strangers and all of the lives that were touched by Campbell's story. I celebrate that I have been able to help other preemie families and they have found reassurance in Campbell's life. I celebrate my new friends from the Preemie board, I often call them my "Preemie Support Group" (you can read many of their stories through their blogs linked to the right). I celebrate that the fear of having another preemie is fading and I'm actually willing to consider giving Campbell that little brother or sister (although, not yet people...we just had the talk about thinking about it!). And I of course celebrate that I have my own little miracle to look at every day.

So, thanks for listening and being here with us for this past year. Your support has been so important and valuable. I appreciate each and every comment we get and I love seeing the Live Traffic Feed (to the bottom right of the blog) of where each visitor is coming from.

Oh...and maybe I do celebrate not having those stretch marks after all :)