I don't post too often any more about Campbell's prematurity. That's mostly because I don't think about it too often as she's gotten older and healthier.
BUT sometimes I get overwhelmed by the memories of the scary days when she was in the NICU. There are times when something will trigger a memory of those moments when I couldn't hold her without fear. When I had to worry that touching her would hurt her or my voice would over-stimulate her.
I'm devastated by the memory of sobbing while I told Robbie I didn't want to visit Campbell one night when we were both still in the hospital. I told him I was afraid I'd fall even more in love with her and then she'd die. In typical man-fashion, he assured me she wasn't going to die. I didn't believe him, what did he know? He wasn't a doctor. I'm thankful that horrifying thought didn't last long and I decided if she did die, I wanted to have spent as much time as possible with her. But no mother should have that memory and I have never shared that with anyone because I am still so ashamed to have ever felt that way, even for a second.
All of these memories and feelings are part of our lives because of prematurity. Today is Prematurity Awareness Day. As blessed as I am that I'm not reminded daily of Campbell's prematurity, I will never forget its impact and I will continue to do what I can to raise awareness and support for the March of Dimes.
A good friend of mine, Tricia, is a much better writer. Today she wrote this and it struck such a cord:
"So on this day, I ask that you think of our babies. Right now at a hospital near you, a mother is wringing her hands, staring at a monitor instead of her baby's eyes. She's praying they can all make it through the night. She's wondering about today, tomorrow and next year. She's feeling guilty, wondering if she could have done something different. She's looking into the faces of the strangers caring for her not-yet-supposed-to-be-newborn, hoping they know how important that tiny bundle hooked up to all the wires really is."
5 comments:
Thank you for sharing that, Martha. The photo is truly profound.
That was a terrible but wonderful time. How amazing that someone so small and new could be the amazing Campbell that we love today. While we all waited and prayed and loved you and Robbie we could not nearly imagine what you were feeling. I'm so very, very happy that our trial ended with a healthy, happy baby and that God blessed us with beautiful Maggie and much less anguish with her arrival. Love you, Mom/Nana
Your post gave me chills! And your thoughts are thoughts I had at one time too.
It's amazing how far our girls have come!
There's no need to be ashamed. A mother's love is overwhelming. And no more making a post-delivery mom cry!!
I am a friend of Heather's and have followed your story for a while. As a fellow NICU mom, I am familiar with the pain that you mentioned. The NICU is the most terrifying place on earth-don't feel guilty about the range of emotions that you felt there. Those of us who have walked that road know exactly what you mean...a mother's love is so deep and so profound that it is sometimes scary to know that you love that much. I am so happy to read that both of your girls are happy and healthy-thank you for sharing from your heart!
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